Not So Merry Christmas.
A gloomy winter break brings back an old, unresolved insecurity back to the fore.
A question I get asked a lot these days by friends and family back home is, “How is the Christmas in London ? Are you having fun?”. To this, I mostly find myself responding in affirmation. Partly because I don’t like the world to know that I am struggling, and partly because I don’t want my inner self to know that I might not be having as much fun as I expected.
One of the reasons why this newsletter is coming to you later than usual is also because most part of my last week was spent in bed, doom scrolling, sleeping and spiralling into thoughts that had no positive outcome whatsoever.
It was during one of the FIFA match breaks two weeks ago that I saw a TV commercial that urged people to speak to others about their mental health during this festive season. It didn’t strike me in the moment, but later I found it to be a bit odd that such an advertisement was being broadcast on television during the time of a national festival. It was particularly intriguing, because we would never find such a campaign on television during Diwali, right? But then it is India and mental health is barely a legitimate thing in the public discourse there.
The ad on television started making more and more sense as days went by and I found myself in an uncomfortably lonely headspace. Being someone who is usually comfortable spending time with himself, the idea that I could feel lonely was more discomforting than the loneliness itself. Having put some thought into why I was feeling the way I was, I can think of a few obvious reasons. The cold and gloomy weather, short days and long dark nights, having no college to attend and being away from home in a foreign land. These, I concluded, are issues that must be common to most students who are living alone in the city and with time, they would get resolved. But a major reason for this loneliness, which has also been a longstanding insecurity, is something that I am going to think more deeply about in the coming future.
A common thread amongst most people I look up to has been their sociability and their proud network of friends across geographical and class lines. I have often heard successful people talk about how they have friends in pretty much every state in India. The reason why I felt the way I did over the last one week was because I don’t have friends yet. I do have people I hang out with, they are incredibly sweet. But they are not friends yet. Will they ever be ? Will I also have a network of friends cutting across geographical and class lines ? It is hard to tell. Especially when my first instinct is to coil up in a silent corner every time I have to speak to a new, unfamiliar person. It is a weakness that I know will pull me back in life, not just personally, but professionally too. But as it happens with most things in my life these days, I tell myself that the whole reason why I am here is to go away from my comfort (all of you) and test myself on what I know are my weaknesses. This feeling is best encapsulated in a sher that I recently heard and has stuck with me.
क्यों डरें ज़िन्दगी में क्या होगा कुछ ना होगा तो तज़रूबा होगा
Updates :
An interesting thing about feeling lonely is that you try different things to get rid of it. On a particularly lonely morning, when it seemed like the walls of my room were closing in on me, I decided to put on my earphones and go for a long walk to this canal that I had heard of, but had never been to. Sharing some photos below for all of you to see.
